Hi all I am new here. Let me first start out with saying my husband is a kind and loving man and I know he is going through a lot also. My husband lost his brother to cancer just after Christmas after months of fighting. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in late summer. My husbands cancer is 100% treatable and he is doing well it is no way terminal. Upon going through this I realized I wanted a baby with my husband, this is my second marriage and also his second. We both have boys that are freshmen in high school. I am 39 and he is 46. I discussed this with him prior to marriage and it was very clear that neither of us wanted more children (at the time I didn't). However going through the last months with his brothers illness and also his I changed my mind. I was so hopeful to have his child, a child our own to love and raise together as he is a great dad. I spoke to him about it, telling him my fear if something were to happen to him I would feel as if I had nothing of him but memories and could tell he was really hesitant but didn't want to hurt me...he told me his fears of having children now and they all made sense. But as time went on I more and more wanted that bond with him. I told him I was going off the pill and wanted to get pregnant and that I understood if he didn't but moving forward he could deal with the birth control aspect of it. Needless to say we had months of unprotected sex and now I am pregnant and he is angry. He said I chose to do something (have another child) when I knew from the beginning of our relationship he didn't want another one. He said it was wrong of me to decide to go off the pill and put him in this situation while we were dealing with his brothers illness and death. Even though I was up front with him in why I wanted a child with him he doesn't seem to care. He is avoiding me, he doesn't ask me how I am feeling or doing...he barely speaks to me. I offered if it would help I would move out that it would really hurt and I would be really sad but if he feels he can't do this I would go because I am not having an abortion or giving up the baby for adoption. I already love this baby...and he told me I was selfish that it makes no sense for me to say I love him and would be willing to throw our relationship away for "someone else", yeah that is what he called our baby, "someone else". I feel so alone and sad...we haven't told anyone, no family, no parents, no friends as I wanted to see how the first appt. goes and get throught the genetic tests and 1st trimester first......I just need some support or someone to confirm I am selfish...if I am I am not meaning to be

well what's done is done now. You can't take it back. I do think that your hubby and you should have talked more about having a baby before you just went off bc. Also if he really told you he didnt wnat kids, why did you force it? You cant make someone do something tehy dont wnat to do.But this is not all your fault. He knew you went off bc right? If he did and he did not want a baby then why did he have sex with you unprotected. He put himself in this position too. I hope you dont think i am being to hard on you but i do think he and you are both selfish.
He may love his brother and be very sad but thats no reason for him to treat you this way. You are his wife and he nees to move on from his brothers death.
I do think your husband will come around since you said he is a kind loving man, but dont expect him to be jumping for joy. He has been through alot. Good luck

yes he did know I was off BC...thanks for your response.

oh you poor thing,you had me in tears reading your thread.!Lots of hugs are coming...Death can do awful things to people and they can say things they dont mean,it sounds like he is still greieving and this is taking away any other emotions.He knew you were off the pill so he cant say its all your fault.I would like to think he will come around soon,my mum passed last feb and i miss her soo very much but i am now 29,we had years of her suffering with cancer and so now we are finaly ttc (since december)I feel that a new life is the best way to deal with a death.But maybe hes still in a bad way.But you would be greieving too!To me i feel its a lovely joy and fresh new life that could make up for all the suffering and heart ache youve both been through.Please let us know how you go,anytime you need to talk we are here and i hope it all turns out ok!

You poor thing, I really feel for you. This wasn't entirely your fault because your husband knew you weren't on birth control. It's a mystery why he didn't use a condom or the withdrawal method if he really didn't want another child. Yes, you should have talked about it more before it happened but it's already happened and it's no use dwelling on the past.

My husband's ex wife did the same thing, she just stopped taking birth control because she wanted a baby but my husband wanted to wait a little while because they were only just married after having been together for only 9 months...... BUT my husband never used protection, this is what stumps me, if he was so angry about her falling pregnant why then didn't he use a condom or the withdrawal method (like he did with me at first)? He loves his son very much and obviously doesn't blame him but still holds a grudge against his ex-wife for forcing it upon him.

Maybe your husband thought it would take a lot longer to fall pregnant or maybe given your age he thought it wouldn't happen?

I know you must be over the moon to have fallen pregnant so just concentrate on the baby right now. Good luck with everything.

thanks so much for the kind words from both of you and the advice. I am feeling better the weekend went well although we did talk more we didn't talk about the pregnancy...i feel he will be ok as I progress into the pregnancy and will eventually be good. Death is hard to deal with emotionally and I am hopeful this will be a good thing for all our family when we tell them in a few weeks. On a happy note I have my first appt. tomorrow I am 6.5 weeks along...still a little way to go until I have the genetics testing (CVS) as I will want that given my age, and I am adopted so I have no idea of my b/parents history and out of the first trimester...I am excited to possibly get an U/S tomorrow and see the little one for the first time...my husband isn't going but that is OK, it is good to know I have support here. Maybe when he sees the first pic it will help? I can only pray :0)

take care. :0)

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. I will bet your husband comes around soon. He's been through a LOT! Just stay positive and supportive - and hopeful... He can't stay mad forever. He loves you and I'm sure he will love the baby as well! Good luck