I need some advice, PLEASE! This will be a little long but I am desperate...I need some help - so confused!!

Let me give some background...

My BF and I have been together a little over 3 years. We have had some MAJOR hurdles in our relationship - the biggest, his ex-wife. Now...before everyone jumps to conclusions - he was divorced 3 years before I met him..I was not the reason for the divorce - her unfaithfulness was. Anyway, since he and I started getting serious she decided she wanted him back.

They'd talk on the phone - she'd tell him to get rid of me, beg for him back, talk about past sexual encounters they had and how she wanted to do it again, etc....he always told her he loved me and that they had their time but to comfort her he always said 'can't predict the future.'

She butted into our relationship several times which led to me moving out twice.

Fast forward....I buckled and was feeling very unwanted, etc...so - I did something I was VERY much against (I am divorced due to my husband cheating on me)...I cheated on my BF. Nothing sexual happened until I broke things off with my current BF but an emotional 'affair' was happening.

My BF and I attempted to work things out and were on-again-off-again for a few months, the times we seperated I went back to the other guy (he was meeting all the emotional needs that my BF was not). In May...out of retaliation (and b/c I was with the other guy) he slept with his ex-wife....she called him up and gave some sob story of how she'd be all alone on her birthday, blah blah blah...so - since we were apart he took her to lunch then rented a hotel room (classy, I know).

Fast forward....He and I had a SERIOUS talk and decided to move past everything and work on our relationship....we had talked marriage, etc...so....we wiped the slate clean and moved forward.

Then...BANG....she calls and says she's pregnant! Now, she was with a guy at the tale-end of her cycle (so she says) about a week before my BF and also with someone a few days after him. My BF offered her plan-b...she said 'No, I'll be fine, not ovulating.'

She has changed her DD several times and her story doesn't add up but she seems to think he is 99% the father....she is due Jan 30, they were together May 14 - per all the calendaers I have researched online - she would have conceived May 8th....its a week off.

Anyway....I swallowed hard and told him I wanted to work on things as he assured me he wanted NOTHING to do with this baby (he does have a 7 y/o daughter with her whom we see everyother weekend).

Now....here's the dosey...I'm 7w5d pregnant with his child. The ex-wife has gone round and round about possible abortion, adoption - she has even told her 7 y/o to hide the pregnancy and explained her brother may be orphaned (she's not right in the head).

She finds out I'm pregnant - now, she calls and tells him she's keeping it (although adoption is still a consideration...apparently). He said he wanted nothing to do with it and she said 'How can you do that and what will you tell our daughter' (yes, she uses her daughter in EVERY argument they have - sad really).

Here is where I need help...I have a LOT of resentment for the ex-wife...she's the cause of 99% of our problems. Yes, I stepped out of the relationship and we were not 'technically' together but the conception of this baby and the possiblity that it may be my BF is crushing and hurtful.

This baby was NOT made in love or mutual agreement - he admitted to sleeping with her as he knew it would be the 1 thing that would hurt me the most. He said he wore a condom, but it broke. He said he wasn't that much into it and doesn't think he 'went'.

I'm torn - I already told him I won't hold, feed, change, or interact with that baby - I don't want it in my house. I am not purchasing items for that baby nor will it utilize the items I purchase for the child WE are expecting.

I told him if he decided to be in this child's life then I was walking away....I can't have the constant reminder nor can I handle HER in my life any longer then I have to.

His decision may be to bond and be involved with this baby (if it's his - we won't know until paternity after baby is born) but I also have a decision to stay or leave. I just don't think I can handle being a part of it.

My sister says to wait and see what the paternity test says...but my head tells me to flee now.

I love him, I truly do love him and he says he loves me - we're talking engagement before the end of the year (and this was talk BEFORE we conceived).

Might I add I have a 5 y/o and he has his 7 y/o daugher and 14 y/o son (son is from a HS relationship whom he has sole custody of)...so walking away won't be easy - we already have kids involved.

I'm so torn, terrified, emotional, and depressed. I even considered abortion and walking away...but I am NOT giving up my child.

Am I wrong by telling him if he chooses to be involved I choose to leave????

**Side note - your only getting a glimpse of the issues this girl has brought - I've had to contact police, we've recorded conversations of her saying she was going to kill herself and her daughter if my BF didn't take her back, she's downright psychotic - I mean that...She has turned her daughetr against me and has blamed me for the reason they are not together. I can't handle having her around and them interacting as much as will be required with a baby - not to metion the resentment I'll have towards the thing.

I know that you're hurt by what's going on but it's not the baby's fault so please don't hold grudges against the baby. The baby did not ask for any of this to happen. Since you're not married to this guy it's a lot easier to walk away. That is probably what I would do. Who knows if he will cheat again. It seems like he really doesn't know what he wants when it comes to his ex. You don't want your baby to be in the middle of all that drama. Telling him not to be involved in his baby's life if it is indeed his will not hurt anyone but the baby. The rest of you are adults and can deal with it but that poor baby will be the one to suffer.

I agree. If you want away from the situation then I would leave. Maybe tell him you need him to show you he is seriouse. Get your own place, and dont go back. If he doesnt end up with the ex then you know he is trying. But if that baby is his, you are asking him to choose between his children (her baby and yours.) and thats not fair to the baby.

Pack up and fly away!

Here is scenario you need to consider..... You and your BF have a huge fight somewhere down the road. He wants to hurt you again so he goes back to his ex yet again to get revenge. This time he decides to stay with her and have a relationship no matter how temporary.

Now - your child is going to HER house to visit with him. She doesnt feed your child, buy things for your child, help your child with anything and is even cruel at times to your baby because she resents you for what ever reason. And you can't even do anything about it because he is entitled to visitation.

Sounds to me like this is a totally possible situation. He is wish washy and both you ladies hate each other. You are repeating vicious circles to get revenge and be right fighters.

Trust me, if you end the relationship you will get over your hurt feelings. You will find another man. Don't you want to be with someone that treats you like you should be? Who doesnt cheat and wouldnt consider the worst ways to hurt your feelings?

Get away from theese peeps as fast as you can.......

Good luck,

and PS if you do stay with him, dont take it out on his baby. The baby didnt ask to be born and can not defend itself against adults who bicker constantly.

Thank you all for the advice. I first want to tell you that I don't WANT to put the baby in the middle of this (neither of them). I just know the resentment is there.

As far as the cheating....we were 'seperated' and the night he was with her I was with someone else - so, he never cheated on me - quite the opposite actually. He's just still 'there' for his ex-wife...whenever she calls and needs a counselor he's there (via phone).

Thinking that he could leave and end up with her and MY baby visiting him at HER house would NOT happen....I wouldn't allow it and would fight to my death to be sure she was not allowed around my child. I have too much evidence on her to feel comfortable that my child would be safe in her care. Besides, him going back to her - I don't think would happen (but then again, that may be my naieveness).

I thought about MY baby going to her house...and, it made me think somewhat differently - although revengeful and selfish. It's going to annoy her and drive her completely nuts knowing I am holding HER baby and that we will bond...it's natural - can't 'train' babies to dislike like she did her 7 y/o.

I have no decision at this point - with my pregnancy my hormones are raging...so, I'm not sure. I appreciate the advice and take it to heart.

Thank you!

I agree with the comments about the other baby. it is not fair to any parent to say "It's either your child or me" and it's also not fair to say "pick between your babies" - yeah it's screwed up and if it were me I'd be packing my bags and preparing the paperwork for child support. But you can't be irrational and blame the baby for this. The two babies on the way are the only innocent parties in this disaster and neither one should be made to pay the price for adult stupidity.

First off, it is not 99% the ex wife's fault. It is 50% her and 50% him! When she contacts him, he needs to ask her, "is it about our daughter". If it's not HE needs to tell her something to the effect that he's busy or needs to go then and HANG UP! Because there has been so much turmoil with her drama, your boyfriend needs to BE THE ONE to stop it. Talking to her and giving in is just too much. If he's not willing to do what I suggested, get the hell out.


Also, if the police were involved with her antics, why wasn't a restraining order put into place?

Can't an amniocentesis provide access to DNA for a paternity test during pregnancy?

I have a step daughter and my husband knows the rules, he is allowed to have all the contact he wants with his daughter, he can see her, talk to her, she can come to our house. But the chats with the EX are off limits! Don't punish the baby. But stand you ground that he needs to break those ties with the EX.

Thank you all so much for your advice....I have taken a lot of it to heart.

I didn't want to come across as blaming the baby for the mess...it's not his fault (it's a boy) but, the resentment I feel I was afraid would move towards the baby.

If the situation were reveresed I would want my child to bond with his/her father as well as the blended family he comes with.

I am going to swallow my pride and support my BF and his decision regarding this baby. Of course, this doesn't come without ground rules and the biggest is conversations between he and his exwife are to REAMIN about the kids...and yes, your right - he needs to be the one to keep it that way.

I've already told him that going to the hospital for her delivery is NOT an option - he agreed...heck - he wants to make sure it's his kid before he even sees the thing.

I'm still very confused and unsure of how I'll feel until I am actually placed in the situation....right now...all I can do is pray the dates are right and this kid is NOT his...for everyone's benefit.