welll im about 16 wks around now, probably shouldve started this awhile ago but really have just been lazing around sleeping all day. had my first u/s 2.5 weeks ago... its a boyy . next appt is for the 26th and an echocardiogram on the 14th of july because my fiance was born with a heart disease that has a 50% chance of passing on to the baby . i cant ever get the name right, but basically the main arteries are flip-flopped. the blue blood was going where the red blood should and the red blood was going where the blue blood should which resulted in open-heart surgery only a few minutes after he was born. genetic? yuppp, his dad has the same thing, but somehow managed to skip his older brother. and to add to the massive genetic garbage that its going to be coming into ( my family has a longgg line of cancers, diabetes, heart problems & blood pressure issues ) i have anemia and a polup(benine tumor) in my bladder, have had it for almost 2 years now that im aware of. Dr. said unless it grows or starts to cause me serious pain theres no reason to surgically take it out or worry to much.

ughh, just plain stressful. but other than that everythings been pretty good things are just very tense in my house because im very nasty at times, and i mean NASTY. mood swings much?! my family is super excited about the new addition to the family, minus my grandfathers bitch of a wife.. ( not my blood grandmother, he remarried ) i just saw her after almost a year or 2 of not seeing her and she found out i was pregnant and gave me the look of death and wont even speak to me. i was polite i said hello, even though id rather shoot myself in the foot and she just looked at my now bigger belly and turned her face away in disgust. i hate her, hate hate hate . other than her, everyone was arguing over what it was going to be.. i have a very.. LARGE family lol. and the boys yell " its going to be a boyy!!" and the girls yell " nope its going to be a girl".. tada, its a boy. lol nows the fight over whos birthday its going to fall on, theres atleast 2-3 birthdays each and everyyy month. as of now it falls on my great gmas birthday, she recently just died so it would be nice to be happy on her birthday instead of upset and miserable.

dont think there is anything else i can really cover, besides the fact that im probably allergic to the prenatals they gave me!? everytime i take them, i feel worse then the normal pregnancy " blah " feeling.. and i never got the morning sickness, never really nauseous, not dizzy but every night i take them so im not sick all day long but then i wake up the next morning feeling even worse. and i mean WORSE.. sick to my stomach, dizzies to the point im about to fall on the ground, headaches, sleeping all day and night.. just sucky. so they told me to stop taking them because i have a longlonglongggg list of allergies to medication and they need to find something else for me. ughhhhh we will see what they say on friday when i go for my 2nd OB visit so they can go over my lovely blood work and pee test .


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had the 2nd prenatal yesterday, and was stuck with a med student. she took about 20 minutes to find a heart beat and i was hysterically crying worried that something happened ( i have alot of worries because of the heart defect ) so she called in the real doctor.. he found my little boys heart beat. 156bpm hes growing very well and that makes me all giddy inside . they didnt get my results back yet from the blood work so i assume next month they will check over that. as far as my prenatal vitamins they didnt even say anything about it so im just going to start with regular like flinstone vitamins for now just to keep the baby healthy. the 26th is the 2nd u/s and more pictures for me!! my fiance is being kinda distant from me.. and its bugging me. as i was crying on the table at the dr he just sat in the chair and stared at me didnt say anything.. wasnt worried at all.. which makes me think that he doesnt really want the baby, or hes having second thoughts. idkkk i just wish i could get some sort of reaction out of him, but i guess thats just a man thing *shrugs*. thats all for now, until the 26thh <3333

Well today was the 2nd u/s .. he was being veryyyy stubborn, wouldnt flip over what so ever and then chose to put his hands over his ears as to say " lalalala im not listening " .. little brat. But as far as they can see the father didnt pass on his heart defect to the baby which im SUPER happy about. but just in case there could be a chance of something else wrong with his heart they still want me in for the echocardiagram.

Things really havent been so well with the father, still chooses to ignore me everyday never calls never texts/emails nothing. I cant give up, no matter how much i say i hate him and im done with it.. i never really am. I love him, more than anything but its hard when he doesnt show the same in return. Im sick to death of hurting, but im also scared to lose him completely. ive been with him so long im afraid to know anything else.. i dont want anyone else for that matter.. i want him and only him. Really i dont know what to do.. but im sick of everone saying it will be okay, you'll be fine.. NO I WONT. Its not going to be okay, IM NOT going to be okay. Im not being a single mom, thats not fair to my baby, he deserves to grow up in a stable environment with a father that loves him. I just wish making these choices werent so fucking hard, and hurtful.

Not really in the mood to write anymore.. till next time.. <3

Had another prenatal appt today, found protein in my urine and gave me MacroBid. wooohoo . other then that all is well, except the little man is being rude to the doctors lol. My poor doctor tried to get a good listen to the heart and he kept kicking the machine away from where he was trying to sleep.. it was cute . I feel him kick alottt harder now, and today i actually saw it from the outside.. probably the most creepy/amazing thing ive ever seen.. and i love him dearly. Dr. also measured my stomach today, and yeah hes bigger then normal lol.. but thats good to here.. just afraid of what im going to have to push out in less than 20 weeks . That and im not really a fan of meat, at all.. ive been scarred for life since i was like 6 ( saw a lamb head in a grocery store, and REFUSED to ever eat red meat again ) and my anemia is starting to become an issue and they're trying to make me eat it blehhhh. Another thing i dont understand is ive only gained 1.5lbs since my last appt. which was last month.. i mean i eat non-stop, but im assuming its from all the stress with my fiance and all..

And as for the father, he has actually gotten in touch with me finally and has been texting everyday.. which im happy about. He told me he " needs to get his s*** right ". No idea what he needs to do, but whatever. He atleast asks about the baby and how im doing and if i have any new pictures of him or my stomach and tells me everynight that he loves me and to rub my stomach for him.. ive never cried because im so happy before, ever. Im just glad hes starting to come around, and dont want to push him away again so i try to just let things be. I just hope i see him soon, i miss him so much and how we were before all of this.

Well thats it for now, until the 14th when i go for the Echocardiagram ultrasound and another dr appt on the 30th blehhhh so much at once.

<333

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havent written in almost a month, too much going on. had the fetal echo, all is well with his heart from what they can see. but they arent ruling everything out completely, have to see when hes born. . my prenatal appt. was also on the 30th and i had just gotten back from New York.. ( went on vacation ). found again, protein in my urine but there were NO white blood cells which means its not an infection, dr's assuming it could be kidney stones . so she has to send it out to a lab and get it all tested and we'll see what happens. next appt i get the lovely paperwork for gestational diabetes.. woo hoo. then after that its dr's appts everrryyy 2 weeks.. time is flying by so fast its scary. havent really gained much weight since my last appt, only 5 lbs. *shrugs* i eat and eat but my bodys always been that way i can eat everything and gain little to no weight what so ever. guess thats a good thing when it comes to getting back down to my original size.

as for the father, its been a very up & down situation. around a day-2 days before i left for NY he told me he didnt really want to see me, that we werent together and to stop calling him and texting him.. i broke down. i felt so pathetic and heartbroken. so i was in NY for about ehh a week and he IM'd me out of no where asking to see me so we could talk.. mind you i had called him days before and he was with other girls, telling me he wants nothing to do with me, that he doesnt feel anything for me and hung up on me. so i gave in, like usual.. and spent a good 4 hours just sitting and talking.. well a good hour, 2 hours of it was sitting in silence and me crying.. but he pulled my head on his shoulder and said he was sorry... heard that before. so we saw eachother the last few days i was out there, spend time alone and just tried to get our relationship back. now im back in PA, and feel so miserable.. im alone and its not even like i can get to him if i wanted to.. but im going back friday for a weekend visit with my dad so hopefully ill get to spend some sort of time with him and talk to him about coming back to visit really soon. i love him so much, but its so hard to try and change my ways ( being paranoid, jealous, giving him space blehbleh) when we're 200 miles apart and i know hes hanging out with other girls and probably lieing to me about where he is.. i just dont know what to do. hes the first person i ever trully loved, was my first for everything.. and i dont want to lose that.. but i also dont want to deal with this pain everyday when we argue or if he walks out of my life again.. im tired of thinking about it and crying and stressing.. but theres nothing else i can do.. hopefully things will get better.. dont know.

till the 27th<333

Well alot has changed since my last post, i moved back to NY for good with the assumption the babys father and i would be together and be happy.. WRONG. the past 3 weeks have been hell, and i cant stand it anymore. we spent time together 3 weeks ago, told me and promised he wouldnt hurt me again told me he loved me and always would.. well he lied. then 2 weeks later of not talking i saw him again, we sat and talked and as i was about to leave he went to kiss me, i looked to other way and said no, alls your going to do is hurt me again and i can already see it coming.. he tried again, and i cryed telling him please dont hurt me, and alls he said was " I'm here arent i?"... that was the last time we spoke. Last week i im'd him and asked him what the f*** is wrong with him and why he does this to me constantly and he told me " honestly, i found someone else.." i died inside, i literally felt my heart explode right in my chest. i asked him if he still loved me he said "no, i was attatched to you and i was afraid to leave you.. but im not afraid anymore. i want nothing to do with you and i mean it this time." and ever since ive been crying and just really want to die. he doesnt want the baby and told me he never did want him to begin with.. i feel like shit. i really do. and i dont know how to move on or make any of this better. i drove to mastic last night to find him, and i did.. he was smoking weed in his friends truck.. noticed it was me and sped off like a bat out of hell.. so i sat in front of his house and waited for him..he eventually came back but he wouldnt get out of the car.. so he then took his friends car and drove 80mph down a highway with me chasing after him to the 7th precinct.. he sat in the car and called 911 ( mind you the building was 2 feet away) so the cops came out and asked what was going on and why it was really that serious he couldnt just walk inside he told them ive been " stalking " him, which i havent. last night was the 2nd time i showed up at random just to talk to him, and try to understand. but the cop told me he has a right not to want me or his son and theres nothing i can do to change his mind and if hes going to be an asshole for the rest of his life, thats what hes going to be and i cant change that.. and all i can do is get as much child support out of him as possible.. but thats really not what i want, i want my son to have a father, his REAL father.. i dont want to have to sit and explain why his dad doesnt want him and why he doesnt love him. it kills me everyday, and i just dont know what do to with myself. i honestly have gotten to the point where i have said i dont want to be a mother, that i dont want to do this alone and thought SERIOUSLY about giving him up to a good family.. but i dont know. i just wish this didnt happen to me.. i dont know what to do, or what to think.. everything just sucks.

Awww sweetie try to keep your head up! It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do! And only he can be the one to "man up"! Try to focus on having a healthy pregnancy for you and the baby! No matter what happens things will work out the way they are meant to! You might meet the right person, and even though its not going to be your baby's biological father he might be the best father in the world to him! It sounds like you should try to stay away from him, he is causing you way too much stress! I hope things settle down for you! Keep your head up, and remember your baby is depending on you no matter what!

so on the 12th i had a normal everyday doctors appt.. but apparently my BP was wayy to high and i still have alot of protein in my urine.. and guess what, apparently i was going into REAL labor and didnt even notice it . so for the past 4 days they've had me on monitors, magnesium, and giving me steroid shots just in case he still decides to come even after all the meds. this has honestly, been the scariest week of my life.. and i finally got a smack in the face from reality that its time to wake up, and move on with my life. the babys father and i are completely seperated and havent talked in weeks. minus the other day where i was letting him know that i could be in labor, did he care? ehhh no!. so whatever he can have fun trying to still graduate highschool and smoking weed everyday. i cannot be stressed anymore, and have to be on bed rest for the next 2 months or until the baby comes. which ever happens first, god only knows. i just cant wait to pop him out already and get on with our new life and finally be able to wear NORMAL CLOTHES! lol. ugh but since i need to be on bed rest i need to get off this silly thing and go lay down, ive been sitting up all of 15 minutes and my feet are ALREADY swollen and cant really bend my toes?. go back to the doctors in a week for a cervix check and to make sure my BP is still stable.. till thennnn.