So, today is thursday, and it's 11:05 pm. I have to work tomarrow and i can't sleep. I've got the nighttime worries going. I'm sure you all know where i'm comming from. I'll tell you , i didn't think i would worry so much over a pregnancy that i planned. but, even with years of experience in caring for children of all ages, but especially babies, i still have so many fears for my own child. i know most of them are unfounded, like the "what ifs" and such. Reading in other forums, and pregnancy books about the fear of being a bad parent, or not being able to properly protect your baby, in or out of the womb, i was not surprised that women had these thoughts, but didn't think that i would have them so much. almost every night i lie awake in bed thinking about my pregnancy, possible complications, after the baby is born, how my husband will adjust, etc. it's enough to make you want to pull your hair out. i keep trying to explain to bill(the husband ) that pregnancy so far has been the most exciting and most terrifying thing i've ever experienced in my life. and so far, everything is running a-okay. i don't know what i would do if there were any problems.

I was watching an interview of Ani Difranco the other day. She is a very strong women, and i admire her very much, and i do pride myself on being a reasonably strong woman too. She said that being pregnant is definately a hit to a womans ego when you think you are so strong, and you see all these other women who have gone through this and think, yeah, i can do this, no problem. and then you get to a point (hers was during labor) where you are just scared, in pain, and basically fumbling for that part of you that felt so strong before. I admire her for her honesty, because this is definately a time in my life where I am second guessing my strength as a woman, and my ability to make it through all of this craziness (cause you do feel like you are losing it sometimes). But, listening to her talk about her experience and knowing that other women are just as terrified as I am is a huge help. I know in my heart that i will make it through all of this, I just have to convince my brain to shut up for the night so i can rest once in a while lol.