Decided to start writing a journal to help me process the sometimes complex feelings and document my experience as a first time, unexpected mother.

Just about four weeks ago I passed my graduate school oral examination. Considered one of the biggest hurdles in a PhD program I was so relieved and happy. That night my best friend, boyfriend, and I went out to celebrate. We had a few drinks, a good time. Until my boyfriend and I got into a fight. We went home together and began to realize we had some serious differences in relationship expectations - he wanted a stay at home wife. Something I would never and could never be. The next morning I didn't feel so well. Knowing that my period was doing something weird a few weeks before I decided to take a pregnancy test after work. Thought I saw this really faint blue line...two more tests later and a pint of ice cream the reality started to hit home. I am pregnant.

I waited one long night and day before buying cupcakes and going over to my boyfriend's condo. I had to wake him up from a deep sleep (he was sick) and we sat on the couch when I broke the news to him. He held me in his arms and said 'I'll support you financially and otherwise whatever you decide.' Still not sure what to do I told him that in my gut I wanted to keep this child. He smiled a little and held me some more. We didn't talk much more about it until the next morning when he laid out reasons why maybe that wasn't such a good idea. I cried. A lot. I cried after breakfast, walking around town, in the car, in the bed, everywhere. He still held me.

He went on a business trip while I frantically looked for doctors and went to Planned Parenthood. My experience there was awful. Sat in a tiny room with bullet-proof glass for hours to be told what I already knew - I was pregnant. Gave me papers about my options. I never wanted to go back. At this time I started confiding in a few friends. Had their unconditional support. Went to the OB/GYN I found. A really nice neighborhood, friendly doctors. Having thought endlessly about my options and situation I decided to keep our baby.

I wanted to wait to discuss this with him when he got back, but he brought it up over the phone. We talked for a long time and he was upset. I saw him that weekend and we still didn't talk, but he said he'd come with me to the ultrasound. That day was rough for him. He threw up at work then almost ran out of the ultrasound. Looked like he might pass out. We didn't see anything except a sac. I thought the worst - I was going to miscarry.

He held me as I cried then invited me to spend the weekend at his parents house. We had a wonderful weekend. Even when I thought I started miscarrying, he held me until I feel asleep in his arms. As he left for another business trip I had another appointment. My friend came with me and we saw and heard the heartbeat together. Amazing for both of us. Really incredible. I told my parents - they were both so excited and a little apprehensive for me. But at the back of my mind I dredded have to tell my boyfriend again. So we spent the weekend together had a lot of fun again until I finally brought up the appointment only to be shunned by him. So I said my peace and left.

Now up to speed, I met with him a few days ago to talk. He was cold, somewhat as I expected, but over dinner and dessert we still could laugh, talk about things somewhat awkwardly. Finally, in the metro station we could talk candidly. He told me his concerns, said he wouldn't fight me on support, almost smiled when talking about names. I hugged him and left. We still aren't talking much, but I hope this weekend with his sister and her little daughter might bring clarity or peace to him. I still try to be friendly, but its hard, feels like talking to the wall sometimes. This is not the easy path and I know that, but I have faith that this path will bring me much happiness in the future.

Best of luck with it all! He sounds like he's slowly coming around. Sounds scared, but not like that of a future deadbeat. This time is the hardest for most people, I think. I've noticed that as I've almost passed the abortion cutoff for most clinics, it's a little easier. My parents, who were by far the most skeptical ones, have kind of eased up a bit. Maybe the same will happen with him.

I really hope things work out for the best. Unexpected surprises like that tend to be very nerve wrecking.

When I found out, I was struggling to get off academic probation, taking 5 classes and spending endless hours studying. I'm not dating the guy I'm having the baby with, but I'm thankful that he's a friend and has been for 9 years. He's very supportive and incredibly sensitive to how this affects my life as well as his. (He actually told me he'd kick my butt if I didn't go back to school).

It'll be hard, but you seem like a strong woman. I know you can make it through this. It certainly is a blessing and since you're going for your PhD, you can make a great life for the baby. Best wishes for you and your little surprise.

Thanks ladies for the encouragement! <3

8 weeks - my first appointment with an OB doctor. Only gained 2.5 lbs this month - thought for sure it was 10 lbs! At least I'm on target. Too early to hear the heartbeat from a doppler still, but I got time to ask questions. Need to check up on cystic fibrosis and nuchal translucency testing. Even though I'm young, I'm going to see if my insurance covers it.

I've thought a lot about if this is a girl or a boy. At first I was scared that if the baby was a boy I might not have a good role model for him. Now I'm not so scared. In fact I'm kinda liking the idea of a boy. So I'll be happy whatever the sex of the baby is, but I'm a long way off from knowing!

Its relieving to be a little closer to 12 weeks. Later this week I'm going to my cousin's wedding. Luckily I won't be showing. I might tell the cousin I'm closest to, but right now I think its best if its just my parents and my close friends know. My boyfriend positively responded to a text this weekend, but haven't heard from him since. Trying not to push him. Its hard to just sit back and wait for him. In someways I also worry about him. I know a number of years ago he considered suicide when he was going through a hard time. From what I gather this time might compare to that time. Trying to think positively.

After visiting my counselor at school, I decided it was time to tell my brother. (told my parents two weeks ago). So after talking to my mom for a long time, called up my brother and told him I was pregnant. He was through the roof excited, so so excited. We talked a lot, got him up to speed then I told his wife. She was also very excited. Both were disappointed to hear my bf is on the fence, not sure if he'll be involved. I thought my brother would be very disappointed since his dad left when he was very young, but he wasn't. Said he had faith in my ability to raise this child on my own if need be.

Then his wife had an excellent idea: she volunteered my brother to be my birth partner. They have three kids, so he knows the drill. And I'm super excited because being that he is my older brother I feel more comfortable with him being there as opposed to one of my parents or friends. Yea makes me sooo happy :-)

But of course in the happiness is always the cloud. I think I'm officially on the receiving end of the silent treatment by my bf. Haven't heard from him for quite a while, which is sad. I still hold out some hope in that maybe his parents will accept us into their lives even if he doesn't, but this is so hard. Constantly thinking about what I will tell our child someday. I started writing a story about our relationship. Plan to put it in a box with keepsakes, pictures of my bf. So that maybe when our child is ready I can pull it out and show her all I know about her father and our relationship. :'(

Almost 10 weeks! Not much in terms of news from me. I'm slowing getting bigger, luckily its still fairly easy to hide the mini bump. What isn't so easy is hiding the fact that I'm not drinking. I'm amazed how even good excuses (driving, 'hungover from the night before', etc) are questioned by people. Most of my friends know, but my coworkers are going to be in the dark until I tell my boss.

The ice has thawed a little between me and my bf. After not talking for a week or so we have been talking on the phone, he's started laughing again. I'm taking him to a baseball game this weekend for his birthday (bought before we had a falling out). Hopefully it will be good for us. I still feel like I'm walking on a thin sheet of ice with him. Sometimes I feel sad that he isn't trying harder, like it doesn't matter if I was to disappear and never talk to him again.

Trying to figure out living arrangements for next year. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, but, rightly so, my bf suggested a 2 bedroom would be easier with a kid. Also he lives a good distance away from me in the same area as many of my close friends, so I've been thinking about moving there to be closer to people if I need help.

I scheduled a nuchal translucency scan for 12 weeks. Hopefully he'll come and see our baby for the first time. I'm definitely excited for the exam - I hope they can guess the sex! :-)

Your tech probably won't guess the sex but if you scan me a full body profile shot pic I may be able to, depending on if they get the nub in there. Ask for a few pics to be thorough

Thanks Nichole! I'll see if I can get a few pictures out of them, hopefully the little guy cooperates :-)

10w2d

Its late and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to post a little about today and my friends. Today I felt like my normal self again - had enough energy after work to go to the post office, grocery shopping, cook dinner, and bake dessert!! Got some very good news earlier today about my patent getting licensed, then everything kinda fell to sh*t; our refrigerator and hood failed. So most of my work is on hold. But such a good day.

Got another email from a my best friend in college asking if I need help, how am I doing, etc...just about every week now I get emails from my closest college friends pledging support, telling me I'm in their prayers. The one thing this situation has taught me is how amazing my friends are when they know you need help, love, and support.

I can't help but feel like the circumstances of and people in my life were here to me prepare for suddenly becoming a single mom. I am so thankful.

10w4d

Such good news! My childhood friend, who was one of the first I told about my pregnancy, who has also been trying for over a year with her husband to get pregnant is...suddenly...PREGNANT!!! She's probably 4-6 weeks behind me :-)

When I wasn't sure what to do, she comforted me, helped me see that this baby would be a blessing and I told her, 'you better get pregnant quick so I can have a buddy.' I get this feeling lately that things happen for a reason and today I am so happy that I am not alone.

The other day I thought I felt a gentle movement - probably just gas (lol), but I can wait til I really feel some movement! I finally found a boys name that I really love. Hopefully my dbf will like it too :-D