Okay, I admit it. This is my first (and, God willing, last) pregnancy. While my sonogram will tell the tale on how far along I am, the pendulum is swinging between 10 and 12 weeks (which, incidentally, feels like 10 and 12 years). I am also a recovered anorexic, which essentially means I have the eating skills of a snotty toddler with an attention-deficit disorder. Nevertheless, my little traveler inspired me to make the grave mistake of reading dietary tips in ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ last night. Did I mention I had nightmares about miscarriages afterward?

Recovering from anorexia requires an honest relationship with food, and if anyone honestly believes soy beans (no, I am not using the fussy authentic spelling) are a substitute for Doritos, they’re nuts. And what masochist thought up the brilliant idea of substituting Fig Newtons for cookies? I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but my posterior does not need inspiration at this juncture. It already runs like a locomotive on acid. What I really love is the mind-twist of college-level calculus required to create a friggin’ menu – combine the number of categories with the number of category servings required, cross-multiply against calories per category and per serving and, for extra fun, double up items from cross categories to meet as many nutritional needs as possible in one simple snack.

Ladies, if meal planning took this level of quantum physics to create healthy offspring, our species would gacked before Noah had a nightmare about that stupid Ark. I don’t have all the answers – hell, I don’t have any. I have no idea why my lower stomach turns into one huge cramp if I bend over and then try to stand up too quickly. Do not ask me why my bowel movements fluctuate between the consistency of bricks and pudding without any provocation. I am not sure why my breasts have developed their own zip code and I cannot explain why I, a lifelong insomniac, now sleep like Rip-Van-Friggin’-Winkle. I do know this – figuring out a diet for that essentially requires a few extra calories that, ideally, are not derived from Taco Bell cannot be all that difficult. Can someone please tell me why every book on the market has turned it into nuclear science?

In summary, I think there should be a new guideline, something along the lines of ‘How to Not Starve Your Unborn Kid’. ‘Eating Pregnant While Dodging Whale-Syndrome After Delivery’ would be equally helpful. Tips like ‘do not use your positive pregnancy test to take Sizzler’s all-you-can-eat challenge’ and ‘Warning: that Snickers will go directly to your ass, not the kid’ would be logical. While I wait for suggestions from the forum, I’ll be soothing my woes with my favorite lovers – Ben and Jerry. How’s that for nutrition?

LMAO!!! YES!!!

PS.... Throw away your copy of What to Expect. It is the stupidest, scariest book out there-- and it lies too! I hate that it has this fabulous rep for being the pregnancy bible (and I hate that she uses parentheses all the time.)

I give "What to Expect..." credit for one thing: it's the ONLY pregnancy book I have that practically laughs off getting toxoplasmosis from the cat box. It's the only one that says that something like 40% of Americans are immune to it, and that if you have had a cat for years then you've probably contracted it yourself and are immune. Every other book said "Eeek! Stay away!"

So it's not all bad. I have other issues with the book, as well as many of the others (my personal favorite is the one that spends paragraphs on the many evils of circumcision, only to conclude by stating that "Of course, it's your decision in the end, nobody else's."). Don't get me started on what they say about exercise.

I tend to thumb through the nutrition parts and look for suggestions. Many of the books assume that you're the kind of person who eats seventeen Ho-hos for breakfast and needs to cut back to chocolate-coated granola bars. Others assume you've been eating well and need to enhance your already complicated and established system for ensuring every nanogram of nutrient is eaten in the right way at the right time.

I was/am in shape and wasn't over or under weight before the pregnancy, so right now my policy is to eat what I feel is right, add in a couple extra snacks during the day, and maybe let myself have dessert slightly more often. At my checkup today my doc warned me that I wasn't putting on quite as much weight as she'd like to see, so I stopped at Target on the way home for some more snacks (mostly granola bars that taste good and a Sprite). Keeping a stable weight to me has always meant just trying to eat well, not eating more than what fills me up, and doing this without depriving myself of things I love (chocolate and carmel, mostly). I don't know who the books are talking to, I guess we all have a different way of looking at food so they probably seem weird to most of us.

I don't think pregnancy food has to be a big deal.

My pregnancy food-motto is this:

If it tastes good, stays down and is actually ya know... "food", then eat it.

I dont understand why people get all freaked out when they gain more than 25lbs during their pregnancy. Honestly!! There's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent your INDIVIDUAL body from gaining as much weight as it needs to during pregnancy (even if that IS 50lbs!). Of course, eating Mc.D's every day for 9 months will cause you to gain like crazy.. even in a non-pregnant state. Eat the same as you did before, and whenever you're hungry and not nauseous and you should gain properly. As long as there isnt a huge spike in weight gain (say 10lbs in a week in your 3rd trimester) there shouldnt be too much of a problem.

Many women actually LOSE weight the first trimester anyways. I know I lost 15lbs total before I FINALLY started gaining.. now I've got an extra 20lbs in front of me, and I couldnt be happier

I have never come to this board before b/c I am not yet pregnant...but I am soooo glad I did! Your my kinda girl Lauren. I laughed so hard at this that my husband was looking at me like I was crazy! Good for you...planning nutritious meals while adding in some comfort foods is not rocket science and was never meant to be! Thank you for posting this.

BTW: I opened "What to Expect" once....scared the hell outta me and I put it back on the shelf!

Randi

Thank you!

This whole weight issue is starting to get at me. Before being preggo I never had any weight or body issues. I was not the same skinny something I used to be at the age of 20, but I always had a healthy BMI of barely 21 - without ever dieting or watching calories. I just did it the way moonlady does.

In the first 10 weeks I lost weight because the only things I could tolerate were cucumber and plain pasta. Then I started to gain again. And being a data loving person I mapped out my "ideal" weight gain over the weeks and added data points after weighing every day. I did this because I like working with data, and this was data showing the progresion of the pregnancy - so it was fun not obsession. I did not change my eating habits at all - apart from not eating prosciutto or raw milk cheese. And because I logged it I obviously noticed that I was gaining weight much too fast. But I couldn't really understand why. Example: I gained 1.5 lb since yesterday. I counted my calories and I had about 2000 calories yesterday. Where do those 1.5lb come from? In a day??

Then I had the appointment with the OB who only said "you're gaining too much weight, watch your calories". Great advice. I was hoping for something like "1.5lb in a day - that's most probably retained water. Try eating rice, cucumbers, potatoes, whatever...to help get rid of all this water." or "the ideal weight gain is really only a framework. you're only 5 lb above the recommended gain, so there's no worries" or at least something that was somehow specific to my situation.

Now I am here - counting calories, which I hate, and thinking of my weight all the time. How did I manage to not care about weight for the last 37 years? Why now?

Sorry it seems I really needed to vent. So again: thanks for that post. I loved it :-)

Best
Orca

I think the new guidelines should be something along the lines of "learning to tune out the docs and the books and pay attention to ourselves" just cause I too got the whole doctor freaked out I was gaining too fast at the beginning, now I'm 34 wks and haven't gained a thing in the last month (I can just imagine what what to expect would have to say about that) and was freaking out about that and the furrowed brows I've seen the last few times I've weighed in.

Then I talked to my midwife who I'll deliver with and she said the weight monitoring is out of hand and I've gained 26lbs total which is a beautiful amount to have gained and baby is active and were it not for the docs and the books I'd be a happy go lucky mama, so stop worrying, eat what looks good, don't beat up on myself when I have my oreo or peanut m&m freak outs, be reasonable and really think about what my body is asking for and eat that and all will be well. Why can't this be in a book somewhere?

I haven't gained anything either for the past month cat...I was freaking out thinking my kid was starving in there or something...and my OB has said as long as my measurements are growing which they are babies growing..I am just not gaining but baby is...so all is fine. My OB said pretty much the same thing your midwife did(I am so lucky to have such a great doctor) she's way down to earth and exudes common sense...thank goodness! Maybe this is just a gift to us cat...and we are lucky! lol

Kudos and salute to Lauren for such a hilarious post. I want to have the attitudes you ladies have shown in this thread when I'm pregnant (if I'm not already!).

Lauren, love your post! Thanks for the laughs! And, it's good to read that most agree there is too much "Thou Shalt Not" and "OMG, you weigh how much?", or "You ate WHAT?!" out there. I agree we need to listen to our bodies and use common sense. I am lucky and have a good laid back fertility Dr who also keeps you on for pregnancy and hopefully will also have a midwife (they're in short supply).